Coupe De Gras
by FlowerofAdversity
Summary: Note: A Cars fan fiction. This one has a little bit of a darker tone, considering the main character, Edgar Coupe is a Hearse. No one likes a Hearse and Edward is no acception. He is a mortician, and a very kind carsona who wouldn't hurt a VW Beetleb


Note: A Cars fan fiction. This one has a little bit of a darker tone, considering the main character, Edgar Coupe is a Hearse. No one likes a Hearse and Edgar is no acception. He is a mortician, and a very kind carsona who wouldn't hurt a VW Beetlebug. The thing is...most carsonas, or any other vehicle don't really like being faced with death.

But, he tries his best to make the transition to the "Great Showroom in the Sky" a pleasant one. Though some carsonas avoid death by getting new motors and could basically run forever.

"Death is not the end, but merely the beginning."--Anonymous

Chapter 1—Misunderstood

My name is Edgar Coupe. It was my unfortunate lot in life to have been manufactured as a hearse, but someone somewhere always has to be given the responsibility to deal with the more unpleasant things in life, namely life's opposite, death. I reside over funeral services, I make certain all carsonas before burial or cremation have services befitting their life and accomplishments. Every carsona deserves a service like that, no matter who they were while they were alive. I try to make grieving easier, as well as the transition families make to losing family members. No, it's not easy being a hearse, nor does it earn you any popularity with ordinary vehicles...but it's who I am and what I do. I'm not morbid, and I don't have a mean spark plug in my entire body. It's just a lonely existence being what I am. Sadly, I have little if any friends save my immediate family, who have been in the funeral business for eons, nay...millenia. So, please, if you see me please don't drive by or back away in fear. I'm not the grim reaper, nor do I bring bad tidings to your or your beloved family. I'm not that type of Coupe ! I just wish others would give me a chance and not to fear me.

Although my existence is a lonely one, I find a lot of joy in my life. Warped though the morticians sense of humor can be at times, laughter makes my life that much easier. Laughter is just proof that a vehicle can still feel, make cognizant, recognizable thought and speech and be able to function properly. It also keeps a car young, or any vehicle for that matter. In fact, other members of the Coupe family have told me I look so young and fresh when I am in my late 40s. I'm not getting any younger, but I am young at heart and my engine runs superbly.

Chapter 2—Common Etiquette

Throughout my travels I have learned what _not_ to say thanks to my dimwitted grandfather, Brum. Brum has a very strange sense of humor and lacks some social graces but he is a lovable carsona. He said to someone once, "Today is a good day to die !" and received a look of abject horror from the other vehicle he had said those words to. I was only a little Coupe and I observed him and learned exactly what not to do when interacting with others. But I admired my grandfather because nothing could drag him down. He was always so euphorically happy even though he was a mortician like the rest of the Coupes. I could never be like him though. I was rather emotional, although I didn't want anyone else to know but that's only because I am sentimental. I tend to be happy, but I don't like others to see me cry.

I don't get invited to many social events, but I _do_ get out. I'm not the lonesome dove type. I enjoy being around others and I try to make new friends. Most of the vehicles I meet remain acquaintences but would never introduce me to any of their confidantes. I suppose it is my imposing manner but they never stick around to get to know me or my hobbies, or what I like to do. I suppose I am a little jinxed when it comes to maintaining friendships. Oh well. I cannot change what I am, so I merely accept it and make the most of it.

Besides, its not that I don't enjoy what I do, but I believe that everyone deserves dignity and respect in death, but more importantly, in life.

Chapter 3—No Fear

There aren't very many vehicles that aren't leery of us Coupes except for those who get a second chance at life. I have nothing against life extention, but for those who are ailing, I think it is just prolonging torture. Anyway, enough of me being melancholy. To my true point. Other than being practically invisible in the outside world, children weren't afraid of me. In fact, there was usually a child or children along my travels after I had recently presided over a funeral service. No matter what I did, little children seemed to love me.

It gave me the craziest idea. Since I had no heir to the Coupe name, I thought of adopting a child of my own. I had always wanted to become a father but had never found anyone who wanted to settle down with me.

It was what other hearses knew as the "hearse curse". You were lucky if you found a particularly goth girl who was into melancholy and morbid things, but I wasn't even like that. I didn't even find emo ladies attractive.

To be honest, they annoyed me, and I decided that once I reached a certain age I would remain a bachelor.

Besides, I didn't _have_ to have someone by my side to be happy. I had my family and soon, I would have my own little Coupe to call my own.

There was a delightful doctor in my hometown I knew by name who dealt with adoptions and cardiatrics. He was adored by little carsonas everywhere and had a family of his own, a huge one. His name is Doctor Raphael Carmine, a Lexus which, despite his affluent background, was the most down to earth automobile I had come to know. Other than my parents, I had known Raphael before he got his mechanic's license and I had done so many favors for him. I almost felt guilty asking him for a favor for myself.

I drove into Dr. Carmine's business establishment. Immediately his light blue eyes lit up. He was looking rather vibrant, what all with the new wax making his powder blue paint shine brighter than a blue topaz. I chuckled as I saw him send another happy family out with two Chinese kids. There weren't any unhappy faces here, and that was something I had always wanted to see.

"Hey, Edgar ! Long time no see. What brings you to my humble agency ?", Raphael asked.

"I'd like to adopt a child. I've thought it over and I know what he might have to face, but I fear not having an heir to run the family business when I...well, you know...shuffle off this mortal coil.", I responded, hoping that he would have good news for me.

"I wouldn't mind helping you. You've been a wonderful friend for all of these years. I just have to have you sign all these forms. You know there's a background check involved right ?", Raphael inquired.

"Of course, I do, Raph. I've done extensive amounts of research about this in the past. This is the first time I've actually taken adoption seriously.", I stated, honestly. I had always been the straightforward Coupe, but never this frank.

"Alright. Here are your forms. I'll make the match as closely as possible. Once I have one, you'll be notified. But remember if you need anything, just give me a call. Ya know, some time we really need to go bowling. Have a guy's night out.", Carmine said.

"Sounds swell.", I said, grinning. I couldn't help but smile, and it was a smile of true contentment.

Chapter 4—Getting Acquainted With Arthur

In a few months, I met a tiny midnight blue boy named Arthur. His emerald eyes were the same color and shade as mine, and although he was frightened, he was delighted to see me. I knew he was adjusting to culture shock but I didn't realize how different our cutures were. Despite the fact that there were differences we found that we had many things in common. I had made an instant friend and we got along swimmingly.

Before long, Arthur had learned more about American life and culture and was adjusting to new situations daily. He had begun going to elementary school and was already in 4th grade. I was impressed at how advanced he was, and he never ceased to amaze me at his abilities and how athletic he was. He was interested in martial arts and also expressed how he didn't mind being considered the next heir for the Coupe business even though he might possibly be ignored in the future. But he didn't have the hearse curse upon him.

Unlike myself, he was very popular and I couldn't have been happier for him. The only thing that mattered to me now was Arthur's happiness.

As soon as the school year was through, I took a vaction with grandpa Brum and Arthur to England. Arthur showed me around his favorite haunts, including a restarant he often frequented and a sweet shop at the edge of town. The three of them stayed, savoring the sights and sounds of Great Britain. England in and of itself was sensational, but we really enjoyed roaming around London. We took a ride on a big double-decker bus, and saw everything from Big Ben Tire Clock to the Globe Tire Theatre. During our final days in London, we were lucky enough to see some Formula 1 racecars in action. I took thousands of photos and even had some automobile-graphs from them too. Being the automobile-graph hound, I couldn't pass up the perfect opportunity to collect some automobile-graphs I had been missing from my collection. Strangely enough, after all the excitement of the Formula 1, Arthur couldn't wait to return to America. I found that very interesting, and quite a bit flattering. Needless to say, when we exited the jumbo jet and cruised on home, he was happy to snuggle back into his own garage and sleep soundly.

Epilogue

As promised, I did have the get-together with Raph and the rest of the guys. I allowed Arthur to come along with me. Arthur was more mature than his year and none of the other fellows minded having him around.

Despite our expectactions, Arthur was an incredible bowler. There was no stopping his winning streak. I knew who I was going to take to the tourney in the coming months. After the game was over, we decided to celebrate with plenty of food and drink for everyone. It was a late night and we were all tired. Raphael, who had paired me so flawlessly with Arthur, reminded me to get Arty checked up pretty soon. Arthur already knew Raphael and the two of them were good friends.

Fairly soon I got to meet some of my son's friends. Some of them were a little creeped out that I was a hearse but as soon as they got to know me, they overlooked that factor and thought I was pretty "hip" and "with it". I tried to keep myself in the know of all the latest trends, and if you want to know a little secret, I like ska groups quite a bit as well as hip hop. I know it seems a bit out of character, but it's got a great beat and it's one I can groove around to. I still have life left in my frame, I might as well make the most out of it !

That's the message I try to share with everyone, no matter how they migth react to me. Life is short, and there are far too many wonderful aspects of it to go unnoticed. I count my blessings every day, knowing that tomorrow is a new start and the road is paved with endless possibilities.

From the Destinations Diary of Edgar Hershel Coupe


End file.
